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Friday, July 4, 2008

Affortlessly Rhythmatic Commentraitors

Scenes from a commentary box during the recent IPL:
Dramatis personae: Aamir Sohail and Waqar Younis(With guest appearances from Wasim Akram and Rameez Raja)

Ishant Sharma charges in to bowl another snorter at the Kings XI batsman Shaun Marsh. Promptly, Sohail notices something hitherto unknown about the young Indian speedster.

Sohail: Waqar, I think the reason that Ashant(yeah, that's the way he says it, but I'll come to that in a minute) is getting all that extra bounce is that he is a big lanky lad.

(The sagely Waqar mulls over these musings and comes up with his own carefully-thought out analysis)
Waqar: Another reason could be that he's also very tall.
(Aamir is clearly impressed, this little nugget had escaped his attention)

Welcome to the Aamir Sohail-Waqar Younis school of cricket commentary for dummies.(Featuring such eminent guest lecturers like Rameez Raja and Wasim Akram)
Lesson 1: Linguistic Creativity
Come up with alternate pronunciations, alternate phraseology, hell even an alternate language.

Reference Text: Aamir Sohail and Waqar Younis in action during the recent India-Sri Lanka match at Karachi

Rudra Pratap Singh delivers another accurate over. The centre of attention is the UP pacer's bowling action
Sohail: His action is so smooth, so Affortless.Younis: Yes, I think the key here is that his run-up is quite rhythmatic.
(Call me old-fashioned, guys, but whatever happened to good old "rhythmic" ??)

Lesson 2 : What's in a name?
Good commentators know their Shakespeare from Names are your playground, people. Kick them, smash them to pulp by the sheer force of your oratory.

Reference Text: Sohail, Rameez, Wasim or Younis in any match featuring India in the past year

Yuvraj Singh thumps one over the midwicket region. Promptly, Sohail, that astute observer of mankind, chips in.


Younis: YOvraj ....he is really on fire today. Mister Six!!!
(With this slightly questionable epithet given to Yuvraj, Younis again relapses into an anecdote about how he chased Abdul Qadir's cat around the Karachi stadium with a pad. Or something.)
Ishant Sharma has, meanwhile begun to tear out a significant portion of his lion's mane, patiently explaining to Waqar and co. that his name is in fact, Ishant and not Ashant. Wasim reminds Ishant/Ashant that young pacers ought to focus on cricket alone.

Lesson 3: Keep an eye on your articles
What chance does the trio of "A, an , the" have when you have the deadly trio of Sohail and the two W's? Verbal anarchy is let loose. Go forth, ye dogs of war!

Reference Text: The above mentioned gentlemen in anything remotely resembling a studio or a commentary box.
India are chasing 309 under lights. Gautam Gambhir drives one towards the cover boundary only to find a sweeper already stationed. This foresight impresses Waqar to no end.

Waqar: Oh.....he is a smart bowler! He has got A Protection there.

Sohail: Whenever you are with these batsmen, you have got to be with A Protection. Otherwise, he'll(motioning towards Sehwag) hit you all night.
Waqar: The Virender Sehwag is really on the rampage tonight.

Epilogue: Admissions are open now. If you want to make it big as a commentator or better still, realise your dream of being in a commentary box with these august gentlemen, look no further. Parting lesson: Come up with jewels borne entirely of your own device. Always,always, ALWAYS call your fellow commentators funny names in a fake Irish accent.

Sohail: It's over to my fellow Commentraitor now, Waqar Younis, and with him is Danny "Denzongpa" Morrison.
Younis: Thank you Aamir. Yes, Dhoni has got a beautiful head on his shoulders.....

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